Retrench

School scheduling is our happy place.  Kids know the expectations and the rhythm.  They would never admit it but they are much more comfortable in that routine as well. Everyone gets a break from each other. Everyone has different things to do but in safe places with familiar people. Room to breath. Copacetic. I am admittedly not good at enforcing an internal structure. Or horrible at it.  F- I should pray for the intersession of my high school's saint.  Saint Rita of Cascia: patron saint of lost causes, motherhood etc. Sidebar: Ain't that a kick in the head.  Lost causes and motherhood.  Well played Vatican. Well played. Example.The kids need to burn off the energy and get some fresh air.  I can have everything set up to go to the park.  One of them throws a fit about going to the park. I scrap the plan. Because I am a coward like that. I don't have the strength of character to say to pull off that coveted parental "My way or the Highway"vibe. The whol

 If you know me in real life.  You know one indisputable fact.  I am a graceful gazelle of poise and dignity. Balanchine wishes he choreographed something as elegant me lumbering around with one kid on piggy back,  6 shopping bags, both kids backpacks in my teeth, one shoe on and wearing a tee shirt with holes and stains.  This is not a new development.  I've always been a beacon of art in motion. Me right now.  I've been wearing this shirt for 3 days. There are running jokes in my family about me falling down stairs all the time.  There were running jokes at the barn I grew up in about me falling off horses all the time. The day after I got my drivers license at 16, I had a car accident in front of my house at a stop sign. (Don't ask.Just imagine something stupid and that was probably it) I've lost track of the number of times I've had to get random stitches on my face or jacked up my ankles playing some game in inappropriate footwear..   I float through th

Christmas 2017 is turning into Emily Dickson-esque drama lama.   https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45706/i-felt-a-funeral-in-my-brain-340 Or the lighter drag queen version In broad terms the Achilles tendon surgery was difficult in ways I didn't prepare for.  We had 2 or so really rough days right a the beginning. We had about 3 weeks of about a 50% functional Cal and a 60%-70% functional Kate. Burning through my internal and external resources but out there living that life. We were doing much better than I thought we would. Pat self on the back about doing a great job! HaHa plot twist. False sense of security. Classic Kate.  Thinking that something is going to plan and will soon be resolved is a predictable pitfall for people looking at developmental disabilities and chronic issues. It's managing what you are presented with at the time.  It will come up again.  The sensory processing issues will change and fluctuate. But they will always be there. Fine and

My mom guilt senses were tingling letting me know that I have not been giving my younger son his fair share.  As a middle child I have spent the better part of my life bemoaning everyone else getting more than me.  So you would think I would be better about it for Sam. Sam doing his Sam projects Well.  I'm not.  I am not better than my parents all those years ago who would go on cruise control with the younger children. I thought I was better but life has proven to me time and time again that I don't know jack about jack most of the time. Here is Sam at 8months on the inside.  My chest is 32 years old in this picture and the reason I have chronic back pain. HeeeyO LYLAS Evalena and Amydelle  Boys are a little less than 3 years apart.  While I was pregnant with Sammie we started to come out of denial land about Calvin being on the spectrum.  We were fully kicked out of denial land when Calvin was kicked out of his first 3 year old program when I was 4 weeks post

I don’t want to say that special needs parenting is much harder because maybe it’s not. I’m not in other people’s homes. I see some friends complain on facebook that have problems that I personally don’t think are very big deals. But it’s all relative. It’s not a competition on who has the harder problems. (spoiler alert. It’s me. I win. It fits better with my own whoa is me narrative I have going on right now) Speaking of awards that no one wants. Sleep disorders. Sweet Baby Jesus we have disordered sleep here. Sensory Processing issues mean out of whack fight or flight responses. Imagine you are living off adrenaline all the time and your body spikes at weird times. Your body is always writing checks that your REM cycle can’t cash. Does that make sense? I don't know I’m tired. Go with me on this. Sometimes it evens out and I think MAYBE this time we are past it. But that is a mirage in the desert. Take last night for example. Cal fell asleep at 4pm yesterday. He

Let's start with a laugh.  Because the rest of this exercise aint no joke I think people falling is funny.  It’s a quick cheap laugh. Like a fart joke or a dog getting its head stuck in the trash can. LOL that person ate it. I'm that person and I have always been that person. It's a knee jerk being a jerk reaction. Mama tried to fix me early on but alas the instinct was too strong.  Buuuuuuut if I give it 2 seconds of empathetic thinking I’m the ass here not Joe Blow McClumsey.  I am the one making light of someone getting hurt. I consciously or unconsciously am making the choice to separate myself as better than that person on the floor. If it's not a human can I still laugh? Next up in my understanding of the problem is the middle school stage of development. I fall and get laughed at. I feel the pain of the injury and the insult. It’s embarrassing especially when it’s in front of people I want to like me. In my old age I can say “Self, You fell. Every