I don’t want to say that special needs parenting is much harder because maybe it’s not. I’m not in other people’s homes. I see some friends complain on facebook that have problems that I personally don’t think are very big deals. But it’s all relative. It’s not a competition on who has the harder problems. (spoiler alert. It’s me. I win. It fits better with my own whoa is me narrative I have going on right now)
Speaking of awards that no one wants. Sleep disorders. Sweet Baby Jesus we have disordered sleep here. Sensory Processing issues mean out of whack fight or flight responses. Imagine you are living off adrenaline all the time and your body spikes at weird times. Your body is always writing checks that your REM cycle can’t cash.
Does that make sense? I don't know I’m tired. Go with me on this.
Sometimes it evens out and I think MAYBE this time we are past it. But that is a mirage in the desert. Take last night for example. Cal fell asleep at 4pm yesterday. He had a really exhausting physical therapy session. His core muscles are really weak and his hips are not able to lift his legs up in a efficient way. The PT was a little hardcore on trying to get him to build up strength. So he was frustrated and sore and discouraged and it was only 8am and he was going to school right after that.
Cal uses the majority of his energy on managing his anxiety and sensory processing workload. Imagine trying to do school work when your whole body is uncomfortable. Imagine that your whole body is uncomfortable most of your life. Imagine you are a fluffy cloud floating above your troubles and a money tree drops in and you can go to PT everyday until your kiddo is strong and healthy. I digress.
When Cal passes out like that there is no waking him. He is like a frat boy on game day. You just have to let it run its course and monitor his breathing. In this case running its course meant he fully woke up at 1230 am. Wide awake and starving. The risperidone that he takes turns him into a hungry hungry hippos. So here I am at 1am making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while Calvin chirps about like a happy bird. I want to brain myself with the jelly jar.
He is awake from 1230am until the bus comes and gets him at 720am. I doze in and out while he watches netflix but I can’t get fully to sleep if a boy is awake. Because they are mine.
I haven’t even started to talk about Sam's particular issues. I am trying to write about them as their own independent humans. With their own independent strengths and challenges. But he has sleep issues too. Lord does he have sleep issues too.
Everything is revolves around sleep when we are having a flair up.I can take 1 of 2 paths. I can tough it out and steamroll my way through the day. Or I can cancel stuff. If it is just sleep I can work through that. But if there is more than one issue in play I can’t.
Like sleep didn’t happen AND Cal still has his casts on from his tendon lengthening surgery AND he is melting down AND Shane is in Portland for work AND Sam still needs to get to all the things that Sam needs to get to AND I am trying to make it to my job. Really only Shane and I can handle Calvin when he is full meltdown. Oh and PS Cal and I both have the stomach flu. Oh and PPS it’s almost the holidays.
Guess which one of those things get broken. Me trying to have a job outside the house. I am the one that takes the hit. One of the parents has to and over here its me. Because I make less money.
There isn’t anything I could have done differently. Unless it involves cloning myself. It’s survival mode. I am familiar with it because it has happened 2-3 times a year for 8 years now.
I never wanted to be a stay at home parent. I need to be contributing to the outside world and to our bank account to feel safe. I just become depressed and more anxious staying at home. I start second guessing ever purchase and choice. I can’t stop the negative thought patterns. And Surprise surprise surprise I can’t sleep. (can’t blame everything on kids after all)
Speaking of awards that no one wants. Sleep disorders. Sweet Baby Jesus we have disordered sleep here. Sensory Processing issues mean out of whack fight or flight responses. Imagine you are living off adrenaline all the time and your body spikes at weird times. Your body is always writing checks that your REM cycle can’t cash.
Does that make sense? I don't know I’m tired. Go with me on this.
Sometimes it evens out and I think MAYBE this time we are past it. But that is a mirage in the desert. Take last night for example. Cal fell asleep at 4pm yesterday. He had a really exhausting physical therapy session. His core muscles are really weak and his hips are not able to lift his legs up in a efficient way. The PT was a little hardcore on trying to get him to build up strength. So he was frustrated and sore and discouraged and it was only 8am and he was going to school right after that.
 |
| Adorable. 4pm. Just give it another 8 hours. |
Cal uses the majority of his energy on managing his anxiety and sensory processing workload. Imagine trying to do school work when your whole body is uncomfortable. Imagine that your whole body is uncomfortable most of your life. Imagine you are a fluffy cloud floating above your troubles and a money tree drops in and you can go to PT everyday until your kiddo is strong and healthy. I digress.
When Cal passes out like that there is no waking him. He is like a frat boy on game day. You just have to let it run its course and monitor his breathing. In this case running its course meant he fully woke up at 1230 am. Wide awake and starving. The risperidone that he takes turns him into a hungry hungry hippos. So here I am at 1am making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while Calvin chirps about like a happy bird. I want to brain myself with the jelly jar.
 |
| More or less accurate |
He is awake from 1230am until the bus comes and gets him at 720am. I doze in and out while he watches netflix but I can’t get fully to sleep if a boy is awake. Because they are mine.
 |
| Teamwork making the dreams not work. Us Hood River 2012 |
I haven’t even started to talk about Sam's particular issues. I am trying to write about them as their own independent humans. With their own independent strengths and challenges. But he has sleep issues too. Lord does he have sleep issues too.
Everything is revolves around sleep when we are having a flair up.I can take 1 of 2 paths. I can tough it out and steamroll my way through the day. Or I can cancel stuff. If it is just sleep I can work through that. But if there is more than one issue in play I can’t.
Like sleep didn’t happen AND Cal still has his casts on from his tendon lengthening surgery AND he is melting down AND Shane is in Portland for work AND Sam still needs to get to all the things that Sam needs to get to AND I am trying to make it to my job. Really only Shane and I can handle Calvin when he is full meltdown. Oh and PS Cal and I both have the stomach flu. Oh and PPS it’s almost the holidays.
Guess which one of those things get broken. Me trying to have a job outside the house. I am the one that takes the hit. One of the parents has to and over here its me. Because I make less money.
There isn’t anything I could have done differently. Unless it involves cloning myself. It’s survival mode. I am familiar with it because it has happened 2-3 times a year for 8 years now.
 |
| Cal 3 months old. (yes he's huge) Kate tired. |
I never wanted to be a stay at home parent. I need to be contributing to the outside world and to our bank account to feel safe. I just become depressed and more anxious staying at home. I start second guessing ever purchase and choice. I can’t stop the negative thought patterns. And Surprise surprise surprise I can’t sleep. (can’t blame everything on kids after all)
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