Retrench

 If you know me in real life.  You know one indisputable fact.  I am a graceful gazelle of poise and dignity. Balanchine wishes he choreographed something as elegant me lumbering around with one kid on piggy back,  6 shopping bags, both kids backpacks in my teeth, one shoe on and wearing a tee shirt with holes and stains.  This is not a new development.  I've always been a beacon of art in motion. Me right now.  I've been wearing this shirt for 3 days. There are running jokes in my family about me falling down stairs all the time.  There were running jokes at the barn I grew up in about me falling off horses all the time. The day after I got my drivers license at 16, I had a car accident in front of my house at a stop sign. (Don't ask.Just imagine something stupid and that was probably it) I've lost track of the number of times I've had to get random stitches on my face or jacked up my ankles playing some game in inappropriate footwear.. ...

Christmas 2017 is turning into Emily Dickson-esque drama lama.   https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45706/i-felt-a-funeral-in-my-brain-340 Or the lighter drag queen version In broad terms the Achilles tendon surgery was difficult in ways I didn't prepare for.  We had 2 or so really rough days right a the beginning. We had about 3 weeks of about a 50% functional Cal and a 60%-70% functional Kate. Burning through my internal and external resources but out there living that life. We were doing much better than I thought we would. Pat self on the back about doing a great job! HaHa plot twist. False sense of security. Classic Kate.  Thinking that something is going to plan and will soon be resolved is a predictable pitfall for people looking at developmental disabilities and chronic issues. It's managing what you are presented with at the time.  It will come up again.  The sensory processing issues will change and fluctuate. But they will always be ...

My mom guilt senses were tingling letting me know that I have not been giving my younger son his fair share.  As a middle child I have spent the better part of my life bemoaning everyone else getting more than me.  So you would think I would be better about it for Sam. Sam doing his Sam projects Well.  I'm not.  I am not better than my parents all those years ago who would go on cruise control with the younger children. I thought I was better but life has proven to me time and time again that I don't know jack about jack most of the time. Here is Sam at 8months on the inside.  My chest is 32 years old in this picture and the reason I have chronic back pain. HeeeyO LYLAS Evalena and Amydelle  Boys are a little less than 3 years apart.  While I was pregnant with Sammie we started to come out of denial land about Calvin being on the spectrum.  We were fully kicked out of denial land when Calvin was kicked out of his first 3 year old ...

I don’t want to say that special needs parenting is much harder because maybe it’s not. I’m not in other people’s homes. I see some friends complain on facebook that have problems that I personally don’t think are very big deals. But it’s all relative. It’s not a competition on who has the harder problems. (spoiler alert. It’s me. I win. It fits better with my own whoa is me narrative I have going on right now) Speaking of awards that no one wants. Sleep disorders. Sweet Baby Jesus we have disordered sleep here. Sensory Processing issues mean out of whack fight or flight responses. Imagine you are living off adrenaline all the time and your body spikes at weird times. Your body is always writing checks that your REM cycle can’t cash. Does that make sense? I don't know I’m tired. Go with me on this. Sometimes it evens out and I think MAYBE this time we are past it. But that is a mirage in the desert. Take last night for example. Cal fell asleep at 4pm yesterday. He...

Let's start with a laugh.  Because the rest of this exercise aint no joke I think people falling is funny.  It’s a quick cheap laugh. Like a fart joke or a dog getting its head stuck in the trash can. LOL that person ate it. I'm that person and I have always been that person. It's a knee jerk being a jerk reaction. Mama tried to fix me early on but alas the instinct was too strong.  Buuuuuuut if I give it 2 seconds of empathetic thinking I’m the ass here not Joe Blow McClumsey.  I am the one making light of someone getting hurt. I consciously or unconsciously am making the choice to separate myself as better than that person on the floor. If it's not a human can I still laugh? Next up in my understanding of the problem is the middle school stage of development. I fall and get laughed at. I feel the pain of the injury and the insult. It’s embarrassing especially when it’s in front of people I want to like me. In my old age I can say “Self, You fell. Ev...

Since Cal learned to walk Cal has had problems with walking. Like everything in life and autism there are a lot of issues that add up to the full picture.  Here are what I think are the main contributing factors. Calvin is hypo-sensitive to physical stimuli.  It take a lot for him to register touch.  He has a crazy high pain tolerance and does not particularly mind falling down all the time.  He actually kind of gets a weird kick out of the rush. AKA sensory seeking.  This is an atypical characteristic of ASD and most people think of sensory avoidance if they think of anything about autism.    Sensory Seeking at about a year and a half This is part and parcel of a proprioceptive and vestibular dysfunction. Where the body is in space in relation to objects, maintaining balance and motor planning are problematic.  If you are in a room with Calvin you will know it immediately. The kid is very, very clumsy and wanders around like a cage...

YOU GUYS!!! I'm going through my grandmother (Margaret Hara) boxes doing research for my writing project. I found the love letters that my grandfather wrote her in 1943 and 1944. how they needed to convince their parents to get married quick and his war postings. its so sweet and romantic and my grandfather had mad game. All of this while he was a flight instructor at Lambert Field. Than later stationed as a combat aviator in late 1943 and early1944 on the USS Lexington in the Pacific theater.  I will write about his astonishing military career extensively at a later date.  Just know that while all this romance was in his heart most men in his unit did not come back from their missions. Dating sometime in 1943 Jan 6, 1943 Wedding day in OKC, June 12, 1943 June 3, 1944 Most adorable somewhat dirty Grandparents note ever?

My Grandmother and my KT Hara were big time Tulsa boosters. For very different reasons and through their very different lens they loved the hell out of this town. They really felt that Tulsa didn’t or wasn’t getting the credit it was due. Grandma wanted to have respectability and belonging. She raised all her kids here and was determined to look the part of “established” Tulsa family. By established I mean families who have been here for awhile and everyone knows everyone else.  Money has a lot to do with it but not everything. If you were fun and stuck around town long enough you would be in like Flynn.  Grandma bottom left.  Her life work. Not pictured Shannon, Sean and Chris In my neck of the woods it was heavily centered on Monte Cassino and Cascia people. Since we are talking about Catholics that means a lot of kids. All the kids. My KT Hara wanted to make the point about Culture. The fancy high brow stuff.  Tulsa had it, damnit. She took me to Disn...

I often imagine how other families deal with challenges. What do you do when your kid gets sick and you have to work? What do you do when the cost of childcare is more than what you as an individual make? How do you get all the laundry done? I have little windows of understanding but mostly I am still left wondering how other people do the things. Do people cry as much in the bathtub as I do?  Do people think about other people crying in the bathtub as much as I do? I kind of hope people cry in the bathtub so I wouldn’t be the only one but that’s pretty fucked up to want.  Maybe I’m a sociopath?   My brain goes at 100mph is weird directions.  Especially under stress. I have never been so rapid fire funny as when I was giving birth to my kids. I was cracking jokes like my life depended on it. Because in a way it was.  I was dying on the inside from stress, worry and physical pain.  Instead of looking inward for strength and zen birthing from within w...