Parental Scramble: Episode 1: The Phantom Menance

I often imagine how other families deal with challenges. What do you do when your kid gets sick and you have to work? What do you do when the cost of childcare is more than what you as an individual make? How do you get all the laundry done?

I have little windows of understanding but mostly I am still left wondering how other people do the things. Do people cry as much in the bathtub as I do? Do people think about other people crying in the bathtub as much as I do? I kind of hope people cry in the bathtub so I wouldn’t be the only one but that’s pretty fucked up to want. Maybe I’m a sociopath?

My brain goes at 100mph is weird directions. Especially under stress. I have never been so rapid fire funny as when I was giving birth to my kids. I was cracking jokes like my life depended on it. Because in a way it was. I was dying on the inside from stress, worry and physical pain. Instead of looking inward for strength and zen birthing from within whatever that is to push through. I look at the nurse who is a stranger and I make it my personal mission to make this person laugh. If I can get that I will feel good. If I feel good about that things must be good. Forever and ever Amen.

Charm and humor will get you far and people will want you around at parties. But in the day to day grind it’s not so hot. When there is no one but a dog and a sick 5 year to make laugh you up are up shit creek coping mechanism wise.

Here I am 8 years ago meeting 10lb Calvin for the first time. I don't remember this or several hours after because I was bleeding out on the table and I was in and out of consciousness. I didn't mention it because I didn't want to be a buzz kill or make more work for the nurses. Messed up.

Comments

Susan

If you know me in real life. You know one indisputable fact. I am a graceful gazelle of poise and dignity. Balanchine wishes he choreographed something as elegant me lumbering around with one kid on piggy back, 6 shopping bags, both kids backpacks in my teeth, one shoe on and wearing a tee shirt with holes and stains. This is not a new development. I've always been a beacon of art in motion. Me right now. I've been wearing this shirt for 3 days. There are running jokes in my family about me falling down stairs all the time. There were running jokes at the barn I grew up in about me falling off horses all the time. The day after I got my drivers license at 16, I had a car accident in front of my house at a stop sign. (Don't ask.Just imagine something stupid and that was probably it) I've lost track of the number of times I've had to get random stitches on my face or jacked up my ankles playing some game in inappropriate footwear.. ...

Achilles, Wherein I make it all about me

Let's start with a laugh. Because the rest of this exercise aint no joke I think people falling is funny. It’s a quick cheap laugh. Like a fart joke or a dog getting its head stuck in the trash can. LOL that person ate it. I'm that person and I have always been that person. It's a knee jerk being a jerk reaction. Mama tried to fix me early on but alas the instinct was too strong. Buuuuuuut if I give it 2 seconds of empathetic thinking I’m the ass here not Joe Blow McClumsey. I am the one making light of someone getting hurt. I consciously or unconsciously am making the choice to separate myself as better than that person on the floor. If it's not a human can I still laugh? Next up in my understanding of the problem is the middle school stage of development. I fall and get laughed at. I feel the pain of the injury and the insult. It’s embarrassing especially when it’s in front of people I want to like me. In my old age I can say “Self, You fell. Ev...

This guy, Sam edition

My mom guilt senses were tingling letting me know that I have not been giving my younger son his fair share. As a middle child I have spent the better part of my life bemoaning everyone else getting more than me. So you would think I would be better about it for Sam. Sam doing his Sam projects Well. I'm not. I am not better than my parents all those years ago who would go on cruise control with the younger children. I thought I was better but life has proven to me time and time again that I don't know jack about jack most of the time. Here is Sam at 8months on the inside. My chest is 32 years old in this picture and the reason I have chronic back pain. HeeeyO LYLAS Evalena and Amydelle Boys are a little less than 3 years apart. While I was pregnant with Sammie we started to come out of denial land about Calvin being on the spectrum. We were fully kicked out of denial land when Calvin was kicked out of his first 3 year old ...

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