Parental Scramble: Episode 1: The Phantom Menance

I often imagine how other families deal with challenges. What do you do when your kid gets sick and you have to work? What do you do when the cost of childcare is more than what you as an individual make? How do you get all the laundry done?

I have little windows of understanding but mostly I am still left wondering how other people do the things. Do people cry as much in the bathtub as I do? Do people think about other people crying in the bathtub as much as I do? I kind of hope people cry in the bathtub so I wouldn’t be the only one but that’s pretty fucked up to want. Maybe I’m a sociopath?

My brain goes at 100mph is weird directions. Especially under stress. I have never been so rapid fire funny as when I was giving birth to my kids. I was cracking jokes like my life depended on it. Because in a way it was. I was dying on the inside from stress, worry and physical pain. Instead of looking inward for strength and zen birthing from within whatever that is to push through. I look at the nurse who is a stranger and I make it my personal mission to make this person laugh. If I can get that I will feel good. If I feel good about that things must be good. Forever and ever Amen.

Charm and humor will get you far and people will want you around at parties. But in the day to day grind it’s not so hot. When there is no one but a dog and a sick 5 year to make laugh you up are up shit creek coping mechanism wise.

Here I am 8 years ago meeting 10lb Calvin for the first time. I don't remember this or several hours after because I was bleeding out on the table and I was in and out of consciousness. I didn't mention it because I didn't want to be a buzz kill or make more work for the nurses. Messed up.

Comments

Achilles, Wherein I make it all about me

Let's start with a laugh. Because the rest of this exercise aint no joke I think people falling is funny. It’s a quick cheap laugh. Like a fart joke or a dog getting its head stuck in the trash can. LOL that person ate it. I'm that person and I have always been that person. It's a knee jerk being a jerk reaction. Mama tried to fix me early on but alas the instinct was too strong. Buuuuuuut if I give it 2 seconds of empathetic thinking I’m the ass here not Joe Blow McClumsey. I am the one making light of someone getting hurt. I consciously or unconsciously am making the choice to separate myself as better than that person on the floor. If it's not a human can I still laugh? Next up in my understanding of the problem is the middle school stage of development. I fall and get laughed at. I feel the pain of the injury and the insult. It’s embarrassing especially when it’s in front of people I want to like me. In my old age I can say “Self, You fell. Ev...

Unstructured Time: Thunderdome

School scheduling is our happy place. Kids know the expectations and the rhythm. They would never admit it but they are much more comfortable in that routine as well. Everyone gets a break from each other. Everyone has different things to do but in safe places with familiar people. Room to breath. Copacetic. I am admittedly not good at enforcing an internal structure. Or horrible at it. F- I should pray for the intersession of my high school's saint. Saint Rita of Cascia: patron saint of lost causes, motherhood etc. Sidebar: Ain't that a kick in the head. Lost causes and motherhood. Well played Vatican. Well played. Example.The kids need to burn off the energy and get some fresh air. I can have everything set up to go to the park. One of them throws a fit about going to the park. I scrap the plan. Because I am a coward like that. I don't have the strength of character to say to pull off that coveted parental "My way or the Highway...

Sleep is for the Weak.

I don’t want to say that special needs parenting is much harder because maybe it’s not. I’m not in other people’s homes. I see some friends complain on facebook that have problems that I personally don’t think are very big deals. But it’s all relative. It’s not a competition on who has the harder problems. (spoiler alert. It’s me. I win. It fits better with my own whoa is me narrative I have going on right now) Speaking of awards that no one wants. Sleep disorders. Sweet Baby Jesus we have disordered sleep here. Sensory Processing issues mean out of whack fight or flight responses. Imagine you are living off adrenaline all the time and your body spikes at weird times. Your body is always writing checks that your REM cycle can’t cash. Does that make sense? I don't know I’m tired. Go with me on this. Sometimes it evens out and I think MAYBE this time we are past it. But that is a mirage in the desert. Take last night for example. Cal fell asleep at 4pm yesterday. He...

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